Insomnia creeps up on me, like a ghost saying, "Boo". I'll go months sleeping like a baby (better than a baby, in fact) and forget all about it - it'll seep to the back of my mind, filed away with all the other things I think I've overcome.
And then it comes back. Boo.
"You're not sleeping tonight," it says, cackling. "At all." Or when it's feeling kinder, "OK, I'll let you sleep for an hour or two before work."
Lying there, at 5am, with meaningless sentences running through your head like ticker-tape, choruses from annoying songs playing over and over, your heart beating through your chest. Tossing, turning. The loneliness, even when there's someone sleeping next to you - especially when there's someone sleeping next to you.
And the next day, a hazy, grey sort of hell. I only ever have insomnia before work, never at the weekend.
Your vision blurs sporadically throughout the day. Your heart seems to quicken. Your skin shivers, even when it's warm. Jokes aren't funny. Limbs feel dead.The smallest task - making a cup of tea, talking to a colleague, walking down a street, asking a shop assistant for help - is riddled with potentially terrible consequences: you might burn yourself, faint, trip over or have a panic attack. Somehow you keep it together.
I've gone through many, many days of work like this, at several jobs; somehow, I've managed to write and edit and interview while in this catatonic-yet-anxious state - probably having clicked into autopilot. But it doesn't get any easier.
The best description of insomnia I’ve ever heard came fromthe film Fight Club, of all places. (I did read the book, but can’t remember whether these words cropped up there initially.)
With insomnia, nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.
Also, there's the most beautiful part of fellow insomniac Joanna Newsom's most beautiful song, In California.
Some nights I just never go to sleep at all, and I stand,
Shaking in my doorway like a sentinel, all alone,
Bracing like the bow upon a ship, and fully abandoning
Any thought of anywhere but home, my home.
Thank God for the occasional sleeping pill. And running, which helps. And sleep, sweet sleep, when it eventually comes, and the ghost goes back into hiding.
2 comments:
I've worked out that I can only leave a comment as anonymous, so that's what I'll do. My sleeping disorder, for many years, was almost the opposite: heavy, mind-numbing sleep, I slept heavily through an age, to avoid thinking it seems. Then I woke up and now I chase after sleep a bit more. There is no better or worse in these cases, each side says something about what lurks beneath; what matters is finding the voice to connect to other sleepers and non-sleepers. So here I am, making my connection to you. Oversleeping also left me fearful of potential dangers, the worst of which was losing my voice. Love you, Juju xxx
We all know that sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our bodies process and store carbohydrates and by altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite. Sleep is essential to all. You need to sleep in order for you to be productive.
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